Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Had enough of your Schnauzer for one day. Then sit back, relax and put your feet up. You can let off a little steam here about things unrelated to your four-legged schnauzer.
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Cookiez
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Cookiez »

I've just bought my Wife one of those pugs as a surprise present.... Despite the squashed nose,wonky eyes and trouble breathing due to the weight gain over the years, the dog seems to like her
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curzon
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by curzon »

Blonde wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back: "Computer really buggered now.”
Glyn - Lilly (P&S mini)

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

Our beloved Primrose 29/10/04 to 16/04/12 Run free our sweet little P


UNTIL ONE HAS LOVED A SCHNAUZER, A PART OF ONE'S SOUL REMAINS UNAWAKENED
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curzon
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by curzon »

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.
Glyn - Lilly (P&S mini)

Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

Our beloved Primrose 29/10/04 to 16/04/12 Run free our sweet little P


UNTIL ONE HAS LOVED A SCHNAUZER, A PART OF ONE'S SOUL REMAINS UNAWAKENED
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Claire Farrington
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Claire Farrington »

^^^ Very funny :-bd
Properly Trained a man can be a dog's best friend

Sydney (Deansgate) gone to the Rainbow Bridge 19/04/2011 - Run free my little man
Jack (Silversocks Spot On) s/p mini born 10/04/2011
Jill (Silversocks Shana) s/p mini born 11/05/2011
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Donald
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Donald »

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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Grovelea »

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? ;)
have the courage to stand up for what you believe to be right, even if everyone else is sitting down, as long as you are prepared to be hammered for it.
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Claire Farrington
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Claire Farrington »

^^^ =)) =)) =))
Properly Trained a man can be a dog's best friend

Sydney (Deansgate) gone to the Rainbow Bridge 19/04/2011 - Run free my little man
Jack (Silversocks Spot On) s/p mini born 10/04/2011
Jill (Silversocks Shana) s/p mini born 11/05/2011
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Eddie
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Eddie »

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey
Graham, Judie, Eddie (19-03-07 to 25-07-12), Mouse, Daisy and little Reilly. Image
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AB2012
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by AB2012 »

=)) =)) =))
Alfie p&s standard boy, born 5.9.12; Reeva p&s standard girl. born 6.7.13- adopted 17.5.15
“Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace.”
― Milan Kundera
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Melihoney »

Oooo-er missus!
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Eddie
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Eddie »

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks,
Interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair..... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same
Instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
Tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun is loaded with blanks she said.

'I had to kill him with the chair!
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by bigbluewolf »

A farmer along with his farm hand arrived in his field one extremely cold winter morning to find all his cows had been frozen solid overnight due to the inclement weather. The farmer was distraught as his livelihood was in ruin. The farm hand seeing how upset the farmer was walked off and came back a few minutes later with a little old lady and told the farmer to watch.

The little old lady went to a cow and blew hot air onto her hands and rubbed gently on the cow's nose. A few seconds later the cow sprang back into life. She then went to the next cow and did exactly the same thing and again the cow sprang into life. The little old lady went to each cow in turn and breathed life into all of them.

The farmer was stunned and could only manage to ask his farm hand "just who is that little old lady?"

"Thora Hird" the farm hand replied.
Schnauzers rock!
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by bigbluewolf »

I went to the doctor the other day, I said 'it hurts when I do that', he said ' well don't do it'.

I went to the doctor the other day, I said 'have you got anything for wind'. So he gave me a kite.

I'm on a whisky diet, I've lost three days already.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

© Tommy Cooper
Schnauzers rock!
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Eddie
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Eddie »

Why I'm divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.
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Eddie
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Re: Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

Post by Eddie »

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Graham, Judie, Eddie (19-03-07 to 25-07-12), Mouse, Daisy and little Reilly. Image
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