Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

[daisys_mummy]

[Guinevere]

some kind soul sent me this. I am no where near 60 BTW

Subject: Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going
through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When done, you have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
bible... Is that true? Where is it?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."


Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.


Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?



A: Take off your glasses.


Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..


Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.


Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.


Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.


Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"


SMILE, You've still got your
sense of humor, RIGHT?

[dannie_kl]

How do you get an Irishman on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

[Tulip]

Stolen from another forum;


Collie x Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.
Spitz x Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.
Bloodhound x Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.
Pointer x Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.
Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.
Pekingese x Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.
Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.
Newfoundland x Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.
Terrier x Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.
Bloodhound x Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.
Malamute x Pointer: Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.
Collie x Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.
Deerhound x Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.
Poodle x Min Pin: PooPin, a dog for constipated people.

[lisa roland]

I saw this a while ago and found it quite funny, a little like mine I suppose.

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

[seanysean123]

My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."


Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Tulip]

AHAHAHAHAHA!

[lisa roland]

classic!

[Claire Farrington]

That's brilliant

[Guinevere]

oh why did I read that last joke my face is hurting now [laughing]

This was written for me:

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

[Gryff-Nessasmum]

A man trying to impress his girlfriend at dinner in a posh Italian, tries to pretend he can speak the language
He orders in a very over pronounced way...... ‘I’lla hava the paggiony please’
The waiter replies ‘but we don’t have paggiony sir’
The man gets quite indignant and points to it on the menu
‘That sir’ says the waiter, ‘is page one’…..

[Eddie]

This made me laugh.

A tough looking group of bikers were riding along when they saw a girl about

to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly guy, got off his bike and said, "Hey, honey, what

are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she replied.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an

opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a

kiss?"

So she did... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering,

thrilling kiss.

After she'd finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have

ever had. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[jentucker]

[curzon]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Cookiez]

http://textsfromdog.tumblr.com/