Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

[Caramomo]

The dog bit one is great, and K9P? Inspired!

[dannie_kl]

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Coca Cola fizzled. Balloon prices were inflated. And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

[sugarbear]

thats cute.

[dannie_kl]

thanks sugarbear, it tickled me!

[Jools]

this guy sure gets his exercise

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXElh_VM0Uc

[proxious]

LOL hilarious indeed

[Caramomo]

Now THAT is an agility dog!

[tosca]

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon . As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried" £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[laughing]

[tosca]

Inner Peace: This is so true


If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,


If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,


....Then You Are Probably .........


The Family Dog!






And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.

[Tulip]

LOL! Love the first one especially!

[Guinevere]

Tosca this is Inner peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we could all probably use more calm in our lives.

Some Doctor on TV this morning said the way to acheive Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I had started and never finished and before work I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminum sciptins, the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how rudy fablus i feel ritenow. hope dhis brins yu iennr pisss.

[Shani]

There once was a schnauzer from kent
whose nose was increadibly bent
one day he chose
to follow his nose
and nobody knows where he went...

[Guinevere]

he he

A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex"

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
............................................
An older couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth," he replied

[Eddie]

This is for the ladies.

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

there were 3 finalists;




Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door

and handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions

no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.


He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,




banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Grovelea]

teacher on the first day of a new term asks the pupils to introduce themselves to the class. 1 st child puts up his hand "my name is George,i was born on st.Georges day".2nd child puts his hand up"my name is Noel, I was born on Christmas day and my twin sister is called Holly..."3 rd child puts his hand up "my name is Pancake...."