Jokes and Limericks........Keep It Clean :!:

[Sianny]

You keep thinking that! lol

[sugarbear]

[laughing] [laughing]

[Eddie]

Thank heavens it's nearly my bed time and I can escape all this.

[Pottydottie]

don't forget we can get you in your dreams [devil]

[Caramomo]

So wude! That's it all round!
Well done guys I finks you made Go Eddie blush!

[Eddie]

@Mitch.....You're in charge. I'm off to bed.
If we still have a forum in the morning I'll see you all then.

[Pottydottie]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

[Pottydottie]

MALE V FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.



SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!



99.9% of 4.97million women!!!

[Pottydottie]

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day,
she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water..
When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods..
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
O n the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time
the two had to move out for afew days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
nowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was,
he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home .....







... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!






I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Caramomo]

* The New Recruit

A few weeks after a young man had been employed; he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office. "What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I have discovered this is the first position you've ever held."

"True," the young man answered with a smile, "in your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."

[Sianny]

LOL

[BarneyBella&Claire]

My fav joke of all time:

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other 'How do you drive this thing?'

Daft but always makes me laugh!

[Pottydottie]

so simple but very [laughing]

[dannie_kl]

these have really tickled me today!

What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a rose?
....................A Collie - Flower!!!


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You know you've waited too long to find a mate when:
You think 'stripping' is something you do to a Schnauzer


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The liquid on the INside of a fire hydrant is H2O
The liquid on the OUTside of a fire hydrant is K9P


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A guy walking his Chihuahua sees another man entering a bar with his Golden Lab & overhears the bartender say........
"You can't bring that dog in here!"
The guy, without missing a beat, says... "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry. Here, the first drink's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table.

So the other guy figures ........I can do that.......... So he walks into the bar with his Chihuahua.

The bartender says... "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies... "This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies ...........

"What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"


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A guy standing on the corner with a dog beside him, was approached by a stranger who walks up and asks .......... "Does your dog bite?"
"No" the man said,

So the stranger bends down to pet the dog and the dog bites him!

"I thought you said your dog don't bite???" .........the man answers

"That's not my dog!".

[Sianny]

LOL! I especially like the seeing eye one.